It's a beautiful day...

Wow... The last time I posted was twenty-eight weeks ago...
So... Considering my lack of posting... I thought to myself, "I have two options... I can post... Or I can close down my site..."
I came to a conclusion...
I shall post... (Apparently you already know that if you are reading this...)

Okay... To be honest... I have not a clue what to post... I know not if anyone even comes to this site of mine...

I am just bored...
So I shall not drag you into the boredom with me...
Have a good night...
Or is it morning now?
Never mind...

Current Mood: high on coffee and paint fumes

I am not superman. But I'm okay with that.
Nobody is truly superman.
It keeps capable of making friends.
Allows us to have relationships.
Helps us to keep friendships.
Though it has it's downsides.
We can get hurt.
We can get scars.
Emotional scars are a lovely thing though.
You get cut.
It heals.
You get this pretty mound of fluffy white scar tissue.
Everyone has one.
At least one.
Some are just better at hiding them.
However we all have them.
This is what helps us to feel human.
Helps us to learn.
To grow.
We take the experience.
And we build from it.
No one is perfect.
I am not perfect.
I have my emotional scars.
I am not superman.
I realize now that I am okay with that.
I really am.

Hurting... In more ways than one...

Depressed.

What's new?
Confused.
Many things...
Pain.
On my face.
In my body.
In my heart.
Anger.
Mostly towards me.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm sorry.
You know who you are.
I know I don't have to give my apologies over and over again...
But I still feel bad about it...
So I am sorry.
I hope you get to feeling better soon...

Current Mood: hurting
Current Music: I wish

I don't feel good...
Here comes the sickness...
Fuck I hate this.
Cold.
Hot.
Cold.
Hot.
Can't see.
Need to smoke.
Tingling...
The stress finally got to me.
Now I'm feeling sick...

Current Mood: I don't feel good...
Current Music: Only the stuff in my head...

Is that my stomach rumbling?
*stomach rumbles*

I haven't eaten in like two days...
I have been so fucking depressed...
So fucking stressed...
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Fucking past got me bent...
It's not that important.
Trust.
It all comes down to a matter of trust.
And I trust her.
I really do...
It's just the other that I don't trust.
And my fear proved to be wrong.
See just mu brain fucking with me.
Again.
Fucking brain.

Current Mood: empty and hungry
Current Music: wind it up

Wait what are you thinking?
Yeah...
Ditched...
Twice...
Scared shitless...
Breaking down...
It's like what the fuck?
Why does this shit happen to me?
Now...
Peaceful...
Sitting here...
Happy...
Waiting...
I have that smile on my face...

Current Mood: Contemplative and Devious
Current Music: Gina Young

Again... Damnit...
Once again,
I find myself,
Falling into the depths of my depression.
I ask myself,
"Why is is that you let yourself get like this?"
Though unfortunately,
I do not have a fucking answer...
I hate it when I get like this.
I am like a fucking emo kid...
I am not emo...
Just depressed...

Again...

Current Mood: Depressed, I don't want to be.
Current Music: the hum of the electronics surrounding me...

Life is war...
ne·glect (n-glkt)
tr.v. ne·glect·ed, ne·glect·ing, ne·glects

1. To pay little or no attention to; fail to heed; disregard: neglected their warnings.
2. To fail to care for or attend to properly: neglects her appearance.
3. To fail to do or carry out, as through carelessness or oversight: neglected to return the call.

Do not ask...
No answer...
Pain today.
Depression getting worse.
FUCK.
No fucked...
Fingers over a shaved head.
False smiles.
Trying.
Still failing.
Tears.
Waiting to fall.
Not allowed.
Time passing.
Though not enough.

Current Mood: for some reason
Current Music: the emptyness that is my soul today

Freezing my nuts off...
So it's friday...
Which means that I walked to school.
The temp outside is around the 35-45 range.
IT'S FREEZING!
All I wanted to do was to curl into a little fucking ball, and die.
But I made it to school...
Then I realized that I don't have anything to do my homework with...
I am fucked...
And not in a good way...
Well going to go relearn how to breathe...
And find a damn history book...

Current Mood: freezing
Current Music: shoop

Yes... Wait... No...
So today is hopefully going to be a good day...
So far it seems to be going well...
Minus the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night...
Minus the fact that I have a headache...
But other than that it is good.

*laughs softly*

Current Mood: a little confused
Current Music: love me or hate me

*takes deep breath*
Oh here...
Try this one one...

I am starting to feel a little better...
I am hungry though.
I feel a bit sleepy.
Fighting with a bastard.
Causing me to feel a bit drained...

I still have to walk home.
It sucks but I think I am up for it.
I just have to remember...
There is food and warmth at my destination.

*smiles*

Just watched some Daria...
It made me smile...

Current Mood: a bit restless
Current Music: lady soverign

bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch...
I feel ill.
I do not know why.
My head hurts.
My stomach is squaggy.
My sinuses are driving me crazy...
Again...
I am bored.
I have no ride.
It is cold outside.
I have to walk in it.
I want to be high.
I can't though.
My hands feel like I have arthritis.
I am thirsty...
I will probably get a drink in a few...

Wow seems like this one is nothing but bitching...
I should really stop that...
Sorry all..........
*shutting the fuck up*

Current Mood: bitchy for some odd reason
Current Music: only the music on daria

I am...
hungry
hectic
confused
angry
wanting
craving
lashing
hiding

What's next?
Where am I going to go from this point?
Looks like I am going to wait...
Though I do not want to.
I want to get this over with.
I want to end that suffering.

Current Mood: Angry and waiting...
Current Music: loud and screaming

Last night
Pain raking through my body
My thoughts racing
Ancient language
Lashing out
Making wager
Breathing deep
Power
All directions
At me
From me
Bleeding
Both
Inside
Outside
FUCK

Current Mood: pissed and hurting
Current Music: loud and screaming

What the fuck man?
Confusion.
Pain raking through my brain.
Blurred vision.
Ears sore.
Fingers numb.
"I am about to bash my head into a fucking wall!"
No smoke.
Just one drag...
She begs me...
We can't. We just can't.
Twitchy.
Just a little around the edges...
DAMN IT!
GOD DAMNED IT!

Current Mood: sketchy
Current Music: poe, angry johnny

Hidden...
Hidden within the depths of myself.
Anger feeding the flames.
Shaved head.
Smoke rising up.
Pain fading away to the beast within.
Lashing out.
Slamming my fist.
Smiling at me.
Hold me again.
Wanting the drama to go away.
FUCKING DRAMA!
God Damned It!
*takes deep breath*

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: None that I can focus on

Mere shadows...
Reasons to smile.
To laugh.
To be happy.
Reasons to be sad.
To become depressed.

Running away from depression.
Hoping that it does not take over.
Actually having hope.
Knowing that for now it is alright.
Hoping it stays that way.

What the fuck?
I don't know...
It is all a matter of perception.
Seeing this.
Thinking that.

Don't ask why.
There is no answer this time.
Just ramblings.
Of a mind slightly becoming lost.
But knowing it's way back.

Current Mood: anxious and waiting
Current Music: breathe me

Fading into the nothingness...
I am starting to think that I am going to fade into the nothingness...
Nothingness of what?
(I had to ask.)
That my soul is seemingly becoming for the moment...

What happened?
Do not have a fucking clue man...

Where did that smile go?
Maybe it is in remission...

Will it come back?
I fucking hope so...
I feel cold.
(Brata don da steig.)
Maybe that will help...
Only a little but does not warm what feels cold.

Then what does?
Not sure exactly.

Still feel cold?
Sadly yes.
(Warm me up...)
Tracing the lines of my skin.
Red and black reflections of me for the moment.
Drawn on my skin.
Staring back at me.
Pulling mthe sleeve to cover.
Breathe deep.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: born slippy

More...
I feel it
There
Trickling
Slight sting
Your nails
My skin
Digging
Ripping
Cutting
Head bowed
Eyes closed
Back arched
Digging deeper
Smiling
Biting
Teeth digging in
Gasping
Letting go
Licking softly

Current Mood: I want to be high...
Current Music: something I have not put a beat to

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